save those boobies!

This is for you, ladies. My mother in law sent this to me. (She works at Providence where they made this). Pass it along and do a little dance for boobies. (And Shana, don't you worry because I bet everyone in this video is encouraging people to get regular breast-checks!)



What are my favorite moments, you ask? Ohh... right about :47 is my #1, followed by 1:50 and ending with 3:23, all featuring the same adorable mr. janitor man. But really, the whole thing is just great. There's something about watching a bunch of people shakin' what the good Lord gave 'em.

a walk down memory lane to sunnier (warmer) times

It's been gloomy and cold and rainy and miserable here in Portland for weeks now, so I decided to take a little mini-vacation in my mind (and through my old photos) to cheer myself up. These were taken on our first trip to Mexico together when Cam and I were newly-daters.

My schedule for the weekend is pretty busy. I've got a lot on my agenda: cramps, a migraine, and minor case of the blues, to name just a few of the upcoming delights. You totally want to trade places with me, just for the weekend, don't you? But eh, no biggie. I've been doing this for a while now and somehow I keep surviving.

As an upside, this weekend I'll be in Seattle shopping, eating and laughing with girlfriends, and you can't beat that. I am on the hunt for the perfect gift for my soon-to-be-1-year-old niece, Zoralee, who I will be seeing in just fourteen days!

last twins update (with pictures!)

Micah and Xavier are doing really well. They won't get to hold them yet until later today or possibly tomorrow morning (can you imagine not holding your teeny tiny babe yet?) but they can touch them, change them, and rub their little heads and bellies. Please continue to pray for the mom and dad, as it is both exhausting and heartbreaking to be in the hospital and not able to be as close as they'd like to the little guys. Here are a few pictures.

the twins!

The twins, Xavier and Micah arrived safely last night around 10pm! Thank you all so much for the prayers for our friends. The mom was able to delivery vaginally (no surgery - yay!) and both boys are doing great. They are breathing almost completely on their own, which is a little miracle. They were 4.8lbs and 4.10lbs and are healthy and happy and so is mom.

So, I'll tell you what I got to do last night. A little gaggle of my girlfriends decided to move our film-watching girls night over to our friend's (who were in the hospital having the babies) house, to help clean/prepare/do whatever needs to be done.

Well. Guess what one of my jobs was? I sat at the kitchen table and sorted and labeled (and ooed and awed over) a million little teeny tiny baby boy outfits. If you think there's anything better than that, you're wrong; there isn't. There is nothing cuter than teeny tiny little preemie clothes. By the time I folded them, they were the size of a deck of cards. Seriously, preciousness overload.

After all that preciousness overload, the lovely Erin made a huge batch of chocolate chip cookie dough and we sat around watching Sex and the City and eating raw cookie dough until our tummies ached and the babies were born.

Overall, yesterday was a good day, a real good day.

twins, anyone? -- **UPDATE **

UPDATE:  The twins are only 33 weeks along (I was thinking they were closer to 36). As you all know, 33 weeks is not sufficient time for adequate lung development. This is a scary time for the mom and dad, family and friends, so please keep them in your prayers today.

Here is a link to a blog post from yesterday about premature babies.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

The roommate of my friend, Erin, has gone into early labor. This is her first birth ever and it's twins. Her water is broken so this is the real deal.

I'm not sure exactly how early she is, but I think she is about  four weeks early, which is somewhat expected with twins.

Please pray for a safe delivery and two healthy happy bouncing babies!

thank you, friends, and thank you, health insurance

Cam and I got some really great news two weeks ago, and I tell you what, folks, it has really lifted my spirits. In fact, I think this good news (and my sister's encouraging suggestion, of course) is what has made the grand difference in my outlook this month.

Before I share it, I just want to mention a little something. My blog is very personal. I know that. And you know what else? It's going to get a whole lot more personal in the coming months. There are a lot of things I don't share on the blog. Struggles in my marriage, my faith, and my husband's life are things that I don't share here. I do share a lot though, and at times (only once or twice) I've had someone say, "Isn't that a little too personal?" and I've had to take pause. Too personal? I don't know. Maybe? I mean, I am a person, so what's too personal? I assume that only people who care about me are reading my blog. Let's face it, I'm not particularly entertaining, so I doubt that's a big motivator. I have been fortunate -- very fortunate -- so far with this blog. I've never received negative comments, (although I have received some weird ones!) and I've never felt judgment, harshness, or anything other than support. So that is why I share. That is why I'm personal - with you.

In addition to that, I am going through things that I know others can relate to, and not only others who have gone/are going through this stuff, but maybe others who have a friend, sister, relative, co-worker going through this stuff. I believe, and I always have, that shitty life stuff wouldn't be so shitty if we shared it, if we talked, if we opened up, and if we removed the stigma that accompanies certain struggles. I'm a big fan of the "talk it out" approach to life, and that's why I write.

Fertility issues have been one of my struggles this year. I can't even tell you how well I feel like I'm doing, compared to many women who face this. That is only because of my friends, my family, and anyone who's ever commented on this blog with a word of support or encouragement.

So, yes. This blog is personal; maybe at times it's too personal. But I wouldn't have it any other way. I've read hundreds of blogs over the years, but I've settled on maybe a dozen or so (if that) to read on a regular basis. They're about a whole host of issues, but the thing that they all have in common is that they're personal, they move me, and I connect with them. I hope people feel that sense when they read my blog. If you find yourself reading and feeling bothered or thinking "My lands, I cannot beLIEVE she said that!" then maybe... well, maybe this blog is too personal for you, but it's just right for me.

Now. Three large and one small paragraphs later, I am done with my "little something" and I can share the real thing I wanted to share with you.

I said all of the previous because what I'm going to share next is very personal. It's physically, emotionally, (maybe spiritually?) and financially personal. So here goes:

Cam and I found out two weeks ago that our insurance provider covers fertility treatment. Now. This is a big deal for several reasons. First, we had never really considered much in the way of fertility treatments because we had previously thought our insurance didn't cover it (our old insurance did not) and that's just not something we could afford to pay for out of pocket. Secondly, I have felt an immense amount of pressure on my sad little body to perform, to get pregnant the traditional way. I'm quite positive (as is Cam) that this pressure ain't a good thing (pressure rarely is, am I right?)

Our insurance covers 90% of all doctor's visits and up to three IVF transfer attempts per year, if we so chose. It also covers the prescriptions necessary for infertility treatments. We also found out that it covers birth centers and even midwifery fees (which is quite rare!)

I hadn't even realized how stressed out I was about certain aspects of getting pregnant and having a baby until I found this out, and I felt the stress melt away from my bones. I'd been anxious about a birth, knowing that I would want a birth center birth or a homebirth with a midwife, but also knowing that we're not in a position to shell out thousands of dollars out of pocket. So. Once we get pregnant, this is very good news.

Infertility treatments aren't something we've decided on. We haven't researched enough or really thought about it enough to make a decision one way or another. But just knowing that we had that option has made an incredible difference in my outlook. It helps to know I have a doctor and a team of midwives at my women's center that are committed to helping us make a baby. It helps to know that we have options, choices. It helps to know that I am perfectly healthy to carry a baby, and there are people out there who know how to get one in me if it comes down to that.

I would have never thought I'd even find myself interested in IVF, but the more I read about it and speak with people who have done it, the more comfortable I feel, and the more in control I feel.

This month, as another disappointing cycle comes and goes, I find myself feeling more hopeful than I did in past months because I know this isn't the end. It's only the beginning.

I hope to never have to use the infertility services offered by my fabulous doctor. However, having options is a wonderful thing. And now I have some. And I just wanted to share that with all of you.

Thank you all for being so supportive of me as we go along this journey.

a new way of thinking and a hat

Gooooooood monday morning, people.

My goal for the week is to blog every day, even if it's just a silly little thing, or a little snippet of something inconsequential. I feel more connected with others and with myself when I do, so that's my goal, and that's how I'm going to get myself through this week.

See, the cramps are starting to kick in, and I'm beginning to feel a little gloomy. However, I have been prepared for this. And, earlier this week while I was talking to my sister, she made the comment at one point (in this really sad voice that she has, that only a sister can recognize and really know what it means), "Rach, please, please don't be really devastated if you start your period. I don't want you to be so sad." And you know what? This is gonna sound really crazy, but I was like, "Wow... okay!" I had never thought of it before! It might seem like I'm being sarcastic, but I'm not. I really hadn't considered that I don't have to be devastated. It is devastating, sure, but I can respond to it however I want. It's true that you can almost program yourself for a certain type of emotion, and I have recently just been programming myself for devastation if I start my period. Well, not this month. No devastation for me. Not today, not this week, not this time. (Well, we'll see.)

Moving on...

Last night, I opened the dishwasher to find, once again, some of my husband's ingenuinity. Folks, I give you: hat in the dishwasher.

There were actually two, but the picture of the one on top didn't turn out. There is also other evidence that Cam packed this particular load of dishes, because I would never in a million years fill the thing with TWO pots. I don't run that sucker until it is completely efficiently filled to the brim with dishes. But you know what? I'm just glad I have a husband who does the dishes (and hats) without ever being asked. Yeah, I'm lucky.

aaaaaaaaaand one more.

Damnit. Just mere seconds after I posted that last video, I went to another blog and found this one, and wouldn't you know... that's right.

If you can overlook the cheesy narrator, this is a good'n. Thanks to Matt.

thank you, Vets. this cry is for you.

So, one thing I most definitely get from my dad is the ability to cry at the drop of a freaking hat. Now, I will go years (YEARS, I tell you) without crying about myself or my own life. I have often been referred to as somewhat of a stoic when it comes to actually shedding tears about things that happen to me. But even still, I will burst into tears over a commercial, a person walking down the sidewalk, the mere thought of a prisoner, or someone running towards and missing the bus. More than likely, I am prone to crying to things that move me in a positive way, but I'm very prone as well to just cry about whatever. The crying usually only lasts a second, just long enough for one giant tear to form and drop down my cheek, and long enough for me to squeak (groan) out some really unfortunate sound.

Today I've been teary-eyed about Veteran's Day all day. I'm not really sure why. I mean, I'm not particularly overly-patriotic, but the idea of people putting their lives, loves and sanities on the line for our freedoms (not going to have a debate today about oil, not today) makes me, well, cry.

This is just a short snippet of a video, but true to form, it made me... you guessed it. (And I just now realized that my last two posts were about crying. Strange.)

If you haven't already, take the next 60-seconds to be thankful for our Veterans.

cry like a

Sometimes you just gotta...



...and then laugh really hard.

some days...

Some days, I just want to be a kid again. Not all days, just some days, like today.

I want to be this girl again, and feel this unjaded, unworried, unencumbered by life. I'm not blue at all, that isn't it. I just want to feel this way again, like anything is possible.

ovulation is for the birds

So, it turns out that I'm not exactly ovulating. What I'm doing instead is, well, nothing of the sort.

You all have been so incredibly encouraging and supportive of me that I actually hesitated to put anything about that on the blog, because I didn't want to bum anyone out. But then I remembered that the blog is my outlet - my only outlet really - for letting all of this stuff go. If you're reading, and you're feeling a bit of a yo-yo emotion, then all I can say is: welcome to my world, and thanks for being in it with me.

Yesterday and today were a bit discouraging.

But you know what? Tonight is the Game 6 of the World Series, and damnit, I am going to enjoy it. I am going to hop into my new baby-friendly car, stop by Fire on the Mountain to get myself some Sweet Potato Fries and Hot-wings, and sit on my couch, cuddled under a huge down comforter, maybe with Wiley, watching baseball.

Go Yankees.

bangs!

Over the weekend I found myself in need of a new hair-do... so I gave myself one. Here we have my new dark (again) look, with bangs. Today I woke up REAL late, despite the extra hour of sleep, so didn't have time to fix it, but here I am, right now, in my office, with my new hair-do. The bangs are actually thick enough to pull off a Zooey Deschanel look because, well, I love her. Today though, they're to the side. Diversity, baby, that's where it's at.

If I could, I would probably change my hair in a major way every few days, just for spice, which is ironic because I never actually feel like fixing my hair, as is noted in the above photo.

imaginationland

WARNING: this post contains an ungodly and poorly-executed amount of exclamation points.

This morning on the way to work, I did something I've never done before. It's funny, because as I was doing it, I thought, "Hey! I've never done this before! It's so funnnn! I bet other people do it all the time though... and now I know why!" Regardless, I shan't make a habit of it.

Let me back up.

Over the weekend, Cam and I had to buy a new car. Well, not new. It's a 2006, but it's new to us, and very shiny. We like it. 

But here's the thing. Since this is the last car we'll buy for a really long time (mine is old and reliable and we'll keep it forever and ever until it simply can't... go... any... further...) we realized that we'd need something (cough cough) that could fit kids in it. HOW WEIRD IS THAT?! And how EXCITING?!  It might seem odd to consider kids when car-buying, on account of having so much trouble actually making some kids. But it would have been quite a defeated attitude, had we bought a car that wasn't kid-friendly. Mmmkay? So. We had to think in terms of safety. Weird concept! And roominess. Crazy! And how easy it is to get car seats in and out. A hoot!

These were all things we considered for the first time in our lives.

Now fast-forward several days.

Here's what I did on my way to work this morning: I IMAGINED WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE TO HAVE KIDS IN THE BACK SEAT OF MY CAR! I was driving the new car (which is an SUV, but damnit, it gets better mileage than Cam's TL and it is a very safe safe safe one) and all of the sudden, this rush of excitement and joy washed over me and I felt like yes, yes, I can actually picture myself having children! I can honestly say that this is the first time I've successfully pictured us with kids. I've had such a hard time visualizing it all, in light of how heartbreaking this whole journey has been. And today, ba'am! I wasn't even planning to, and I just did.

It happened like this: I was cruising down my little No-Po neighborhood and I thought, "Hey, what if there were some kids back there?" (Whenever I think to myself, I guess I say "hey" first). Then. I lifted my hand up and tilted the ol' rear view mirror down just so, right into the back seat. I moved it to the left. I can see the whole seat. I moved it to the right. I can see that whole seat too. I settled on the center. Perfect. That was how it all started.

Before I knew it, I could see a little freckly-faced ginger kid (sorry, got it from watching South Park) in the back. Granted, the kid was actually just Cam as a child (see photo), but still, it was a 50% match to what our kid might look like. Then, I also saw a dark black baby with bright white eyes, smiling at me through the rear view mirror, and our little freckly faced toddler was handing the baby a pacifier. Then I pictured cracker crumbs everywhere, and one of those baby sun-visors stuck to the window. (What was NOT happening was baby-music on the sound system. I just can't go there. That's not really me and [fingers crossed] never will be.) But. The rest of it? Was amazing.

It was one of the best daydreams I've ever had. How odd that it would take a major purchase to help me visualize babies. Maybe it was because us making this purchase was a true genuine hopeful leap of faith, and that felt good.

Or maybe it was because this morning, for the first time in months and months (and many thanks to a couple rounds of heavy duty drugs), I started to actually ovulate!

If you're not sitting at your computer clapping OUT LOUD right now, you must have no soul. :)

i need a new name...

...for my blog.

When I first chose "Clearly Speaking", I just sort of tossed it up there. The name comes, of course, from the fact that my last name is Clear and I speak quite a lot (in this blog... and out of this blog. I admit it; I'm a talker (speaker)). Also, there is a fair bit of irony in the title of my blog being "Clearly Speaking" when I am known to be a wee bit verbose when I'm waxin' poetic.
Any. How. I want a new name for my blog, but I can't think of one to save my life. Does anybody have any suggestions? My blog address will be the same; it's just my blog title I'm searching to change.

I love the blog names that are able to incorporate actual familial names into the blog name (like the Handfull of Johnsons), but that's not a prerequisite for suggestions, by any means.

So... anybody? Ideas? I'll take five ideas, or twenty, or twenty from each of you which would be like... 60! I really really really need some fresh ideas. If you've got any, leave 'em in the comment section, and I will be forever grateful to ye.

Here I am, giving you the ol' "What's your suggestion?" wink.

come on, yankees

I don't get excited too often about sports, at least, I haven't in the past decade or so that Michael Jordan hasn't been playing for the Chicago Bulls. My room used to be wall-papered in Michael Jordan posters, and I even made am MJ head (out of styrofoam -thanks, Mel... damn spellcheck), painted it, and went so far as to have my black friend, Bob, cut his hair so I could cover the top of my MJ head in authenticity. Yeah. Back then, everything I did, I pretty much went all out. The hair wouldn't stick, so it sat in a plastic bag until my mom finally threw it out.

Anyways.

So maybe once every 3 or 4 years, I'll be somewhat excited about a particular Superbowl or college game or World Series if it's a team I care about.

This year our Yankees are in the World Series (again - not really that big of a surprise) but they're also playing another fav team - the Phillies. Last night's game was at the new Yankee stadium, and we were feeling a bit nostalgic, missing the old. In true reminiscent style, here are a few pix of our last game at the old Yankee Stadium.

But seriously, if they don't step up their game, I might actually switch teams. Call me fair-weather, sure. But it ain't no fun losing, and I'm only in this for the fun.

And also, let's be honest: nobody wants to tell their kid, "Hey, kid, you were conceived right as the Yankees lost the World Series." I think we can all agree that's kind of a downer

sunday drive

Sunday was one of the best weekend day's we've had in ages. It was just plain good. It was pouring rain, but it was good.

We went on a long Sunday drive (how's that for old school?), which is one of my very favorite past-times, or at least it was when gas was $0.99 per gallon. We drove all over the city, on the lookout for streets we've never been down. Crazy that I've lived in Portland for 12 years and I know the city like the back of my hand, yet we were able to find a few streets neither of us had seen before.

We also went out to Sauvie Island (a gorgous island right off of downtown Portland) that is the best, hands-down, place to go in the fall. We got some corn on the cob, pumpkins, grapes, and a side helping of muddy.

Here are some pix that Cam took, rrrrrrright before our blasted camera battery died.

We're a very serious people, we Sunday driving people types.

these boots are made for walkin'

I've known this little guy since before he was even a sparkle in his daddy's eyes. He is absolutely hilarious. I can't tell you why his has a purple Stash on his face, because he "didn't want to talk about it"... I'm guessing it was a bad decision on his part gone awry.

He's only four, but he's really well-spoken. Well-spoken is actually the phrase a lot of people use to describe the way he talks. You can't understand half of it, of course, what through his tiny little munchkin voice, but you can pretty much just guess that whatever he's saying is seriously riotous.

He is also, in addition to being well-spoken, a true-blue, down to his core - ladies' man. This isn't something his folks try to bring out in him; it's 100% naturally who he is. And that, my friends, is also very hilarious. Here's an example: on Saturday evening, at a friend's 30th birthday party, I was reading to Jordan (oh yeah, Jordan is his name-o). I'm reading a book about bull-fighters, and the bulls, and how they chose the bull to be in the bull fights. It's a very manly book, as you might have guessed. Well. Right around the time that the actual bull fight is about to start, the books notes that the whole town gathered 'round, there were street parties and what-not, among other things, and "all the lovely ladies placed flowers in their hair" to which, without missing a beat, Jordan says, "Ohhhhhhhh ye-aahh!" Seriously.

Anyways, in addition to all that fun, we were also both wearing semi-matching brown boots, a fact that was not lost on us.

I look horrid in this pic, but I just had to post it because, well, look at his little laugh. The second picture is our attempt at looking bad-ass, which, clearly, he failed miserably at.

underwear goes inside your pants

Not for the kidos:


It's no secret I've been on a long-time advocate of the legalization of marijuana, but this isn't really about that. It's about a lot of things. The part that got to me was right around 3:40. (Thanks, Shana.)

(And by "advocate", I mean that I support it. I don't stand on the street begging people to sign petitions or anything. I'm just sayin'.)